Like every good classic film which reminds one of his or her childhood, The Wizard of Oz is begging for a remake to slaughter every ounce of classic Hollywood glory.
Dorothy is the girl who lives with her Auntie M and Uncle Henry and little dog Toto on a farm in Kansas. Dorothy will be played by random girl, casted out of millions of eager aspiring actresses and who will probably become the next Miley Cyrus after the film has gained international glory. Toto will be a CGI effect because the studios won’t want PETA on their backs.
Because of weather conditions worthy of 2012, Dorothy is taken by a cyclone and transported somewhere “not in Kansas anymore”. The Good witch of the North will be played by Nicole Kidman and she’ll be the one to give Dorothy a pair of red Jimmy Choo flats and tell her to follow the yellow brick road to get to the wizard of Oz who lives in the Emerald City.
On her way down the yellow brick road Dorothy meets a series of charming characters. First there’s the Scarecrow (need I say more than Johnny Depp?) whom she frees from a pole and who is in desperate need of a brain. Then they find an Iron Man who wants to have a heart.
This motley crew arrives to Oz where they ask the wizard for help.
You might recognize that fellow over there but it’s preferable that you act like you don’t. I mean it’s not like said famous wizard would fake his own death and leave a certain chosen one to face Voldemort alone while he moves to Emerald city where gay marriages are permitted and hence can finally be happy with hubby Gandalf.
Dumble- I mean the wizard of Oz asks them to kill the wicked witch of the west and they set out. They only manage to get outside the walls of the city when flying monkeys come out from everywhere and abduct the characters taking them to the witch’s lair. The witch’s (Helena Bonham Carter – anyone sensing a pattern here?) reasons to do so are Dorothy’s shoes. When the witch steals one of her Jimmy Choos Dorothy unleashes her inner Jackie Chan to get the shoe back. (they are Jimmy Choo after all). As the duel between the two takes place, the cowardly lion Carol throws a bucket of water on the witch hence making her melt.
After the witch’s defeat, the quartet and tot set out to get their reward from the wizard. The wizard keeps his word and gives the Scarecrow an IQ of 1000. He also gives the Iron Man a film in which to star on his own and the hearts of millions of girls worldwide. Carol the cowardly lion Is given a medal of honour and sent back to the place where the wild things were.
Sadly Dorothy cannot get home but when she thinks all is lost Nicole Kidman appears and tells her that she had the power to go home all along but in order to do so she needed to believe in herself. Then comes the moment in which Dorothy says “there’s no place like home” and clicks her heels. This moment will be ruined by a Leona Lewis song written especially for his movie :“there’s no place like home” which will be featured on the soundtrack. Producers will think that the song is a good idea though.
Dorothy gets home safely and never wishes to leave Kansas ever again.
The end.
Bonus on the DVD :
