How to Lose an Oscar in 10 Months

We’ve decided to make an inglorious comeback after our months of absence. Actually this will also explain the true story behind the period of inactivity of our production company. We have literally been through casting Hell which is why we’ve decided to make a film about it and have everyone involved play their actual roles.



Our main character is the director (played in the film by an actual pro in the field, namely Steven Spielberg) and his world centers around the script to what is sure to make a future iconic film that generations will forever watch and quote lines from it kinda like Titanic Serendipity Sweet November…. A great romance set in the middle of the most terrible calamity the world has seen : the Economical Crisis. Moreover, the screenplay is said to be by far the best work of screenwriter Woody Allen.
As I said … the film starts with a shot of the director holding the screenplay in one hand and a telephone in the other hand. “I most certainly will not cast Brad Pitt in this film !He’s not the One. It should be someone like Tom Cruise… get me his agent on the phone pronto, say that the leading lady is Marion Cotillard, that should get the contract signed.”
Fast forward to the moment when the director decides to take action himself because he can’t get through to the actor and goes to South Africa where Cruise is on set filming. Sadly when the director gets there Cruise refuses the part because he prefers to act in the new Hannah Montana film.You have to understand the poor guy…losing face to newcomers like Taylor Lautner makes you want to extend your fanbase to tweens.



While everybody is dumbstruck by this refusal, enter Hollywood Hottie Brad Pitt.

Pitt is taken on as a last resort and the screenplay is slightly altered. We have finally reached the moment when preproduction has started and everything is going well. Producers Spielberg and Hanks are quite pleased with the first scenes filmed and it looks like this one is all set to get some Academy Awards.
Obviously, when everything is going well, real life, as well as screenwriters usually do, has to add a little twist and turn to the plot: we find out the Pitt had a nervous breakdown, is divorcing Angelina and moving to Tibet. We’ve actually flied Edward Norton to talk some sense into him and we haven’t gotten any answer from either one of them yet, so everyone stopped speaking of it and we decided to kill the project.
Luckily, Spielberg decided to go out to a party to drink and forget about the loss of a great Oscar opportunity. Like most Hollywood parties the place was packed with celebrities and then it happened: a nice love song played in the background and their eyes met. Spielberg had found a new actor for the part : Steve Carell (Yeah I know that there’s a big difference between Cruise and Carell but cut us some slack we wanted to make this movie happen).

One of the producers suddenly begins to promote Clive Owen for the part saying that he is just the handsome hunk that this film needs in order to become a blockbuster. The pressure gets even greater. We get sudden threats from Woody Allen that if we don’t get Cruise to act and thus ruin his masterpiece he’ll kill himself and even worse …withdraw our rights to the screenplay beforehand.



WHAT WILL OUR HERO DO NOW?
WILL HE SAVE WOODY ALLEN ?
IS THE FILM GOING TO BE MADE AFTER ALL ?
WILL BRAD PITT SNAP OUT OF HIS MIDLIFE CRISIS ?
.
.
.
The answers to these questions in PART 2 ! The story got so dramatic that we, like many other Hollywood financial schemers, have decided to split it into TWO(!) parts and release the other part next summer in August.
How to lose an Oscar in ten months – the first part of the epic saga THIS DECEMBER in IMAX 3D
- Part II of the saga AUGUST 2011

Paul-E

Tagline : “If you wanna make some quid bet your money on the squid. “

If you haven’t been living under a rock for the past month you probably know who this guy is :

A few months from now Pixar Studios will make an animated 3D film about the life and love of Paul the psychic squid. This film will be a crossover between Goal and other football oriented movies and an underwater cartoon like Finding Nemo.

Now the story follows Paul’s life, his passion for football and his love for the calamari Waka. The underwater creatures living in Paul’s zoo decide to host their own football championship which takes place every night when the zoo is closed. Paul, a huge football fan makes predictions and wins a lot of oyster pearls (they can’t really bet money can they). Seeing his incredible talent for winning the bets the head of the local zoo mafia, Sharky Soprano wants to hire Paul to make false predictions so that he could win all bets. When Paul refuses to help the sharks he is captured and held hostage until he cooperates.

The situation is tense because now that Paul is gone Los Pesces Rojos aka the red fish (three guesses which country they represent) and the Regenboogforel (yeah that means the Dutch.. I can't pronounce it either) are really worried because of the outcome and refuse to play until Paul is back. Paul will be saved by Waka and his other friend Fred the Frog. He’ll make it in time to bet on [major spoiler...Pixar won't let us write it ] and win the biggest sum of pearls. He will become the richest octopus in all the world, marry Waka and live happily ever after. The End.

Voices will include Cristoph Waltz as Paul, Lena the girl who won Eurovision for Germany as Waka, Rafael Nadal as the captain of the Pesces Rojos, Al Pacino as Sharky Soprano and Spongebob Squarepants as the game commentator.

Of course Paul merchandise will be sold like hot cakes and probably a sequel will be made four years from now.

Ah yes and the soundtrack…

The Expendable Knights of the Round Table

This next film will be so epic that it will have all the huge washed up terminators who die hard (in the film industry that is) fighting side by side.

We take the almighty Rambo himself, Sylvester Stallone, Jet Li to add a bit of kung fu karate something to the film , Jason Statham of course, Mickey Rourke because the whole Oscar thing would cramp his badass style , and last but not least Bruce Willis (because you can't have a film like this without Bruce Willis).

Oh but wait - this film already exists...



So we take this really superdeadly cast and we give it to a director who knows what to do with lots of people who have to kill and go to war and stuff (no I'm not talking about Tarantino) but about the one...the only ....

Sir Ridley Scott

Now given the director, the film will obviously be historical and due to the cast we cannot give them better roles than Knights of the Round Table. King Arthur will be Eric Roberts (we're sticking to the original cast and even more we're cutting Eric Roberts some slack because he always get casted as the bad guy...even in music videos - see the Killers and Mariah Carey).

Furthermore, we'll ignore irrelevant characters like Lancelot, Merlin and Guinevere (although Olga Kurylenko would have made a great addition to the cast) and we'll stick to the great storyline that is : they are sent by their king to kill invading Saxons.Thus the viewer will have two hours of combat, blood, spades, spears, blood, knights, arrows, horses, more blood, huge armies, mercenaries and fighting scenes.

Even though they are few, they bravely head out to fight for their homeland lead by Stallone who cries out "Thiiiis iiiis Camelooooot!".




Drama will head their way and give room to such a terrible finale that viewers in every cinema will cry their eyes out more than at Bambi's mother's death. The army will perish under the spades of the Saxons. The only one who survives this tragic battle is of course Bruce Willis who is left to mourn his fellow knights.

A sequel will of course be made and another brave knight will team up with Willis' character to avenge the bravest men of Camelot:

Thank you! Thank you !

I just wanted to thank everyone who reads the blog.I appreciate the feedback and the support.The blog served its purpose as homework but I think I'm going to stick around for awhile longer due to my production company Doppleganger Bros.

And of course to make the speech really professional ... you know...I'd like to thank the Academy (sadly not that Academy), God, the fans, my parents,my really awesome muses and of course myself.(yeah i think that makes every cliche in the book)

The Wonderful Wizard of Oz

Like every good classic film which reminds one of his or her childhood, The Wizard of Oz is begging for a remake to slaughter every ounce of classic Hollywood glory.

Dorothy is the girl who lives with her Auntie M and Uncle Henry and little dog Toto on a farm in Kansas. Dorothy will be played by random girl, casted out of millions of eager aspiring actresses and who will probably become the next Miley Cyrus after the film has gained international glory. Toto will be a CGI effect because the studios won’t want PETA on their backs.

Because of weather conditions worthy of 2012, Dorothy is taken by a cyclone and transported somewhere “not in Kansas anymore”. The Good witch of the North will be played by Nicole Kidman and she’ll be the one to give Dorothy a pair of red Jimmy Choo flats and tell her to follow the yellow brick road to get to the wizard of Oz who lives in the Emerald City.

On her way down the yellow brick road Dorothy meets a series of charming characters. First there’s the Scarecrow (need I say more than Johnny Depp?) whom she frees from a pole and who is in desperate need of a brain. Then they find an Iron Man who wants to have a heart.

This motley crew arrives to Oz where they ask the wizard for help.

You might recognize that fellow over there but it’s preferable that you act like you don’t. I mean it’s not like said famous wizard would fake his own death and leave a certain chosen one to face Voldemort alone while he moves to Emerald city where gay marriages are permitted and hence can finally be happy with hubby Gandalf.

Dumble- I mean the wizard of Oz asks them to kill the wicked witch of the west and they set out. They only manage to get outside the walls of the city when flying monkeys come out from everywhere and abduct the characters taking them to the witch’s lair. The witch’s (Helena Bonham Carter – anyone sensing a pattern here?) reasons to do so are Dorothy’s shoes. When the witch steals one of her Jimmy Choos Dorothy unleashes her inner Jackie Chan to get the shoe back. (they are Jimmy Choo after all). As the duel between the two takes place, the cowardly lion Carol throws a bucket of water on the witch hence making her melt.

After the witch’s defeat, the quartet and tot set out to get their reward from the wizard. The wizard keeps his word and gives the Scarecrow an IQ of 1000. He also gives the Iron Man a film in which to star on his own and the hearts of millions of girls worldwide. Carol the cowardly lion Is given a medal of honour and sent back to the place where the wild things were.

Sadly Dorothy cannot get home but when she thinks all is lost Nicole Kidman appears and tells her that she had the power to go home all along but in order to do so she needed to believe in herself. Then comes the moment in which Dorothy says “there’s no place like home” and clicks her heels. This moment will be ruined by a Leona Lewis song written especially for his movie :“there’s no place like home” which will be featured on the soundtrack. Producers will think that the song is a good idea though.

Dorothy gets home safely and never wishes to leave Kansas ever again.

The end.

Remember to see this film in IMAX 3D !

Bonus on the DVD :